I really miss feeling completely at peace and completely happy. I know no one can have this all the time but this really does feel like plummeting. From sitting on the sand of Asbury Park watching Frankenstein next to one of my favourite people (even though she was worried about her missing passport at the time..) and the practically out of body experience i felt like The Stone Pony ..I don’t know, thinking about it all yesterday just reminded me of a feeling that I rarely realise I’m capable of and its such a comfort when it arrives because I think there’s hope and its not just that my body is just completely devoid of being able to appreciate things and that my urge me to stare into space or huddle up with a book for hours and hours and isolate myself, that’s not all that I am able to do to find some sort of bearable state. This is SUCH an exaggeration of emotions and I won’t feel like this tomorrow. I really don’t know why I’m writing it here, I think its just easier because I know so few people will read it, its not like putting it on Facebook which would actually make me die. Maybe I should start writing a diary again instead of splurging it all here but it is slightly comforting when this tide comes back in to know that loads of people feel like this and there’s hundreds of blog entries over the internet of people having emotional breakdowns with a wide range of intensities, some are just a little uncertain of stuff and some people are having a fully blown meltdown. Sometimes I think what happens if I follow it and stop fighting it, if I just let it happen, will I wake up insane one day? Is that what I really am?!? I’m so tired and I think tiredness helps very little with this whole lark.
I’m so sick of sorting things out for other people, having to remain civil and nice to people who aren’t great just so I can get them to cooperate with me, I’m sick of the expectation of normality and knowing that I don’t meet it, I’m sick of people expecting fun when I feel like at the moment all I have to offer is misery which is quite a big contrast against loads of positive things going on in my life right now but I just can’t seem to feel them this week and the only thing that continually makes me smile regardless of my mood is my cat. I’m exhausted from talking to people and I almost can’t be bothered to keep it up. I think I have almost lost the ability to be giggly and cute and forget the constant pain in the world. I know if I surrounded myself with more cheerful things I wouldn’t feel so bad but horrible things happen whether I read about them or not and I heard this quote yesterday that was iike if we are going to use history as a tool for education and progress and learning etc then we need to be truthful about it and say this is what happened and this how it happened, not to gloss over it with myths or to block it out. I have a dwindling patience for pathetic people and I’m not sure if I ever really had any anyway which is funny because i think i actually sound extraordinarily pathetic in this ramble.