I haven’t been on here for ages and I keep meaning to type up some stuff about my NJ NY holiday and put it on here but unfortunately (no one cares, but what is also unfortunate is) I have felt the urge to return to Tumblr to vent about a subject which no one around me really wants me to speak about because it is horrific. I’m reading a book called One of Your Own, its about Myra Hindley and Ian Brady but mostly Hindley. I feel guilty reading it on the train when there are children in view, a child sat down next to me yesterday and I nearly cried because I was sat there reading about the murder of children and showing an interest in these people that I don’t think there are words to describe. On one hand I think they’re so disgusting and I regard them as utter cunts in my mind but then cunt doesn’t really cover it, but then I also think that’s the hysterical side of it, and in actual fact they are just human beings that did something that would naturally repulse the majority. But also if that’s hysterical, I never want to view it as anything less than emotionally invested because I just don’t understand how anyone could do that. Its so interesting but the most infuriating and disgusting book I have ever read apart from Fred and Rose. I don’t know why I keep reading them because OBVIOUSLY its going to be vile. How on earth could it be bearable? I didn’t realise the methods of killing were so horrible, I think that’s the first bit that shocked me. And hearing about what happened to the families of the victims after their child just failed to come home one night and then was never seen again is just unfathomable. My Mum always just tells me to stop reading it, but whether I read it or not, it still happened. I can choose to be blissfully ignorant but those children still had to go through that ordeal (to put it lightly) and the least I can do is read it and i dont know..project some more loathing into the atmosphere and apologise to the children on behalf of humanity and begin to wish I wasn’t a person because I can’t cope with how disgusting we can be. Sometimes it just spirals off into a general panic about how much I can’t understand of human behaviour, all of this shit you see on the news every day, that man who got beheaded who’s name I can’t remember right now. BEHEADED. I actually burst into tears but everyone just sits and watches it and they might say “that’s horrible” or something but they just stare blankly at the screen whilst I feel like my brain is leaking out of my ear.
I think perhaps I need more early nights hahah. I just really wanted to ramble about it somewhere that doesn’t include forcing an actual person to listen to me, because nobody wants to hahaha its a terrible conversation topic. Its just too much, I cannot understand, no matter how hard I try, how someone can cross the boundary between even the very last moment of kidnapping into actual murder. how can you actually put the knife in? I try so hard to learn about the psychological circumstances that lead to this action being possible and even enjoyable but I just don’t think I ever will. I feel like I have educated myself quite a lot on the subject now, but I still feel complete rage and disgust. Obviously something would be wrong if I didn’t but I just wish nobody ever had that weird urge to murder and even if they had the urge to just stifle it. Why can’t humans just stop killing everything?!?!?
my eyes are actually slits. I’m going to sleep and now I’ll probably have a really horrible dream. I hope when I wake up in the morning I’ll have managed to get a grip. That seems very unlikely.
Oh my fucking god..I’m coming back to New Jersey and New York at the end of July!! I’ll be visiting Asbury Park and Cape May which I am ridiculously excited for, and if anyone can recommend cool things to do there it would all be greatly appreciated! I already have a rough plan of what I want to…